


Better To Burn

by Penrose_Forgeries



Series: Ice Cold Flames [2]
Category: Captain America - All Media Types, Marvel Cinematic Universe, Thor - All Media Types
Genre: Abandonment Issues, Abuse, Bucky has issues, Can be read alone, Canon-Typical Violence, Established Relationship, Kinda, Loki Has Issues, M/M, Violence, bruce is a good listener, but they dont handle things well, loki doesn't like the name bucky, song quote, taking things too far, they do love each other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-26
Updated: 2017-11-26
Packaged: 2019-02-07 01:58:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,257
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12830913
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Penrose_Forgeries/pseuds/Penrose_Forgeries
Summary: And there it was. The glint in Loki’s eyes. The guarded expression. The smirk that hid a thousand tears and silver tongue ready to spill a thousand hurtful things to keep anyone from hearing the truth.Bucky hated that expression with every fibre of his being.AKA The one where they have a bad fight, Loki has unresolved issues that get triggered, and Bruce is a good listener





	Better To Burn

Better to Burn

~~

It’s better to Burn than to Fade Away

It’s better to Leave than to be Replaced

_\- Nicotine by Panic! At the Disco_

~~

And there it was. The glint in Loki’s eyes. The guarded expression. The smirk that hid a thousand tears and silver tongue ready to spill a thousand hurtful things to keep anyone from hearing the truth.

Bucky hated that expression with every fibre of his being.

 “You’re just a useless mortal who doesn’t know his place. Hydra was right to keep you on a leash. Shame they didn’t tighten it when they had the chance.” The words were sharper then the blades Loki favoured, and James knew he had chosen them because they would cut the deepest.

Loki rarely went so far as to use his past against him, so the words stung more than James had expected. His jaw clenched, metal hand balling into a tight fist. He knew it was foolish to try to exchange words with Loki, especially when he was like this, but the reply was already passing through his lips before he could think it through.

 “And you’re just a second rate god that nobody wants.”

Words had always been Loki’s weapon of choice, but James knew how to hurt with them too.

There was a fraction of a second where Loki’s facade broke. The mask slipped just enough for James to get a glimpse of the raw pain those words had caused him. It broke any anger James had felt as guilt consumed him.

He knew what came next. They had had enough of these fights for him to expect the sharp pain of Loki’s fist connecting with his face, but James didn’t try to block it. He took every blow that followed, blocking only the worst ones.

Loki taunted him, tried to bait him to fight back. The saddest thing was James knew why. It was easier to deal with the anger than the hurt. He had done the same to Loki on many occasions.

Still he didn’t fight back until Loki drew his knives and commented that he should find a better fight with Steve.

\---

By the time that JAVIS had decided that the fight had gone too far and called for help, Bucky was bleeding out of multiple stab wounds and Loki’s leg had been snapped in three places.

Still the God struggled to his feet, wanting more. Loki didn’t want to feel the emotional pains just beneath the surface, he didn’t want to have to face the intrusive thoughts that the violence forced back. Spitting out blood and balancing on his good leg, Loki taunted, “I thought you were trained better than this.”

James groaned as he got to his feet, feeling a little woozy from the blood loss but still able to fight thanks to what had been done to him. He threw his metal fist forward, there was a sickening crunch as it made contact with Loki’s collarbone and made the god loose balance.

Loki hit the ground hard, pain radiating throughout his body. His leg throbbed and his collarbone was agony. He suspected at least one of his ribs was fucked because breathing was getting rather hard.

“Just… finish it already.” The tricksters’ voice was soft and honest as he looked at the soldier.

It was a testament for how far James had come that instead he quietly sat down beside Loki.

“No. You can hate me all you want, call me useless or mortal or whatever, stab me as many times as you need to. But Lo I am not letting you go that easy.” He looked deep into Loki’s green eyes to make sure he understood how serious he was. “JAVIS called for Bruce and Steve, they’ll be here soon. Rest, and later we’re going to talk about earlier and why you were so set on being a dick today.”

Loki sighed and nodded, lifting one of his hands to find one of James’. The two waited in silence until the others arrived to help.

\---

Usually, after they fought, Loki would use his magic to heal his body as quickly as he could. The god despised needing help from others and normally he and James would be eager to make up. But today Loki was in no hurry. He knew he had gone too far. He had brought up James’ past and he had threatened to go after Steve but… what James had said still lingered in his mind.

_‘Nobody wants you…’_

Did that include James? Had Loki finally pushed him too far? Was he giving up on him for good?

The trickster had gotten so used to simply pushing other people away, hiding behind as many masks as he needed to make sure his true self would never be seen, never be vulnerable, that the idea that the first one he had been truly open with in centuries was actually done with him? Well it hurt a hell of a lot more than Bruce’s hands as he rebroke his leg so it would set correctly.

“Sorry, just one more bit and your leg will be set.” The scientist told him apologetically. The pain killers helping to take the edge off but not doing much more than that.

“It is fine, do as you must.” Loki replied, voice empty and void of emotion.

Bruce was quiet as he finished on his leg, bandaging it tightly – he knew Loki would feel fast enough to render a cast unnecessary. It was only when he was examining his collarbone that Bruce spoke up again, being sure to keep his voice cautiously calm, “So… Bucky’s never broken more than one of your bones before. What did you do?”

“Why do you assume it was I who did something? Is that not victim blaming?”

“It would be if you hadn’t have stabbed Bucky six times.” Bruce shot back, quickly adding, “He’ll be fine by the way, he’s already getting healed as we speak by Dr Cho. You’re lucky she was coming by today.” When he saw the worry seeping into Loki’s eyes.

The god nodded, a hint of the tension slipping away with the knowledge that his lover would be alright. It returned when Bruce pressed, “So what happened?”

Loki glared at him, hoping to dissuade him from asking anymore questions.

“Loki you can glare all you want but I still have to fix you up so you may as well just tell me.” Bruce pointed out, dabbing at his shoulder area.

“…I _may_ have said some things I regret…” Loki reluctantly admitted.

“More so than usual?” Bruce asked, hoping he didn’t sound like he was judging him.

“Yes. I…” Loki trained off, biting his lip as he debated whether or not to tell him. Bruce had proven to be a surprisingly good confine in the past however and he was also quite well versed in the realm of advice. “I’m… afraid that James does not want me anymore.”

Bruce gapped at him, genuine shock on his face. It was no secret that the couples fights got out of hand but he had never thought that he would hear this. Loki’s voice was more vulnerable than he had ever heard it so there was no doubt in his mind that the god of mischief was telling the truth. Swallowing his surprise, Bruce softened his features, opening his mouth to reply only to be cut off with a sharp order from the god before him.

“Don’t you dare pity me.”

Bruce sighed though he couldn’t help his smile, “It’s not pity Loki, it’s sympathy, there is a difference.  What made you think that James doesn’t want you? He loves you Loki. Steve has said that he hasn’t seen him this happy with anyone before, even back when he was Bucky.”

Loki seemed to be trying to make himself look smaller but with the scientist still trying to help set his collarbone the effect was weakened. “I just can’t- you see I-” the usually silver tongued god huffed in frustration as he struggled to find the right words to say. “James is important to me in a way that very few have ever been. I have taken lovers in the past but he is the first in centuries that I have actually loved. I can’t lose him…”

Bruce nodded in understanding, “Well the only real advice I can offer you is to be honest and talk to him. Maybe talk about what led to the fight? But I mean, if you don’t say anything how will you know if what you’re worrying about is real or just in your head?”

“I suppose you are correct,” Loki sighed. “But… what if he truly doesn’t love me anymore?”

Bruce smiled a little, hoping to lift the usually confident gods spirit, “Then you have my permission to go evil for a week or two.” A small smirk met his words and the scientist counted it as a win. “Okay, that’s about as good as I can get it,” he added, indicating to his collarbone, “You might have to magic the rest if you feel up for it.”

Loki nodded and a faint green glow encapsulated his body, his eyes slipping shut in concentration as he quietly recited a healing spell. After a few minutes the green faded and his eyes reopened. “Thank you Banner for your assistance and for your council.” Loki told him with a curt nod and it was moments like these that Bruce was reminded that he was raised a prince.

Bruce just smiled and nodded back, “No worries, and you don’t have to worry, I won’t tell anyone.”

“Sirs,” JAVIS’ voice made Loki jump as he looked up at the ceiling, “Mr Barnes has been released from Dr Cho’s care and has asked that Mr Friggason meet him in their quarters when you are ready.”

“Thank you JAVIS.” Loki replied, sitting up from the table and testing his freshly healed leg, Bruce hovering close just in case. Loki nodded to indicate that he was alright, thanking him once more, and heading to his and James’ room.

\---

Loki took a slow breath before opening the door.

James was sitting on the bed, waiting silently for him to close the door before asking worriedly, “Are you alright?”

The trickster nodded slowly, moving closer and sitting on the bed as well though there was a distance between the two that told James they really had to work on this one before this would be okay. The soldier turned to face him more head on.

Taking a small breath James prepared himself to start this only for Loki to blurt out first, “Do you love me? Truly? I will know you if you are lying to me James so it is in your best interests not to.”

James was taken aback by the sudden question, though maybe, given what had happened, he shouldn’t be. “Loki of course I do! I know this fight was bad but you’ve never questioned that before! What is this really about?”

“You told me no one wanted me!” Loki knew he needed to control his emotions but he couldn’t keep the faint hysteria slipping into his voice nor the way he raised his voice as he replied, “I know I’m not wanted okay? That is nothing new to me! But you mean far too much to me and for you to tell me that? It fucking hurt James! Do you not want me anymore? Because if that is the case then I need you to tell me right now! I can’t-”

Loki stopped when James was suddenly in his space, holding him tightly against his chest. It was only then, against James’ steady body, that he realised he had been shaking. His breathing had hitched and there were tears threatening to fall from his eyes. Holding onto James he forced his voice out, “I can’t be abandoned by someone else… not you James… please not you too…”

“Lo please calm down,” James urged him, rubbing his back soothingly, “It’s okay, it’s alright, I’m not going to abandon you! I love you, I’m so sorry for what I said. You mentioned my past but I should never have said what I said either. We both went too far today but I swear to you I love you with my whole heart!” he promised him, pulling back enough to catch those beautiful green eyes.

“I love you too.” Loki sniffled softly, leaning his forehead against James’. James closed the small distance to capture his lips. The kiss was slow and tender, the soldier not seeing the point in rushing when he wanted to show how much he loved him. This wasn’t the first time Loki had struggled with the idea of James abandoning him, but it was the first time James had caused it. For that he would never forgive himself. He knew that it would take a lot more than just a kiss and a reassurance that he loved him for Loki to be okay again and for the fear to die down, and truthfully James didn’t know if the fear would ever truly be gone.

But no matter what James would not leave him. He would not abandon him. He would take as many punches, be stabbed as many times, and brave as many verbal blows as Loki would dish out until he believed him.

 

And if Loki was a little clingier in the following days, well, James wasn’t going to complain.

**Author's Note:**

> Hey! So I am not overly happy with the end of this fic because I feel like the topic needs to be better handled, I do have abandonment issues but I don't necessarily have healthy coping mechanisms but the reassurances and the mentioned clingy-ness is a thing. 
> 
> ANYWAY I hope you liked it :)


End file.
